One In Five: Our Second Miscarriage Story  - Grief & Loss | Forums | What to Expect (2023)

Since our first missed miscarriage on Christmas Eve/Day 2021, it has taken my husband, Luke, and I over a year to fall pregnant a second time. We finally got a positive pregnancy test in April after returning from our belated honeymoon and taking 2 months off from trying. Hoping this was our Rainbow Baby; it all felt so right; baby was due right around the time of our previous miscarriage and with growing worries I had blocked fallopian tubes from my previous miscarriage we felt so relived I could even fall pregnant spontaneously.

However at 5 weeks I was told I was miscarrying due to slow rising and then dropping HCG. My doctor referred me to the hospital to organise a suction dilation and curettage (D&C) operation/procedure. I wanted to avoid miscarrying ‘naturally’ or via medication as this took nearly 5 weeks last time and the mental/emotional strain this put on me was overwhelming, combined with constant bleeding and cramping. I also wanted this pregnancy to be tested for genetic anomalies and they can only send off the pregnancy tissue when the miscarriage is completed through a D&C. After 4 days of total grief, fear, frustration and tears, I had a transvaginal ultrasound to confirm non viability so I could book this procedure. We were almost hoping at this point for a ‘clear case’ so that I could get this resolved as soon as possible.

Sitting with the sonographer, after explaining our story she was very empathetic, gentle and kind. However about 2 minutes in she turned to us and said, “You’re not going to believe this, but that’s a hearbeat!”. Much to everyone’s surprise we found a very healthy heartbeat, we could see it beating on the scan and took a video. We’d gotten our baby back, it was like I had found out I was pregnant all over again. This truly felt like our Rainbow.

Following this I had 2 more scans which continued to show 2 weeks of growth and strong heartbeats. At 7+3 weeks, I was at work when I found light pink bleeding on my underwear and when I wiped. My heart dropped as it looked exactly how our first miscarriage started. We went to the hospital and waited for 3 hours to see a doctor. The abdominal scan showed a very small baby, but a very obvious heartbeat. Baby was alive and well! Another scheduled scan 2 days later showed the heart rate was strong at 152bpm and baby had shown another weeks growth. To reassure us and explain the bleeding the doctor explained that I had a subchorionic hematoma. I was told to expect bleeding but nothing more. My own research told me that the bleeding could vary in quantity from spotting to heavy bleeding with clots. The blood could be pink, red, bright red or brown.


Not very reassuring. After an extra doctor visit and a phone call to the midwife hotline at 8+2 to reassure my bleeding I still had hope. Our Rainbow Baby felt like a true miracle, defying the odds. The doctors were optimistic and I was getting closer to the end of my first trimester.

At 8+3, after returning to work after a week off, I grew more concerned as my 'hematoma bleeding' shifted from brown to bright red with clots. After 5 hours at the hospital they couldn't get a clear ultrasound with the abdominal scan due to my tilted/retroverted uterus and early gestation. We couldn't see a definitive heartbeat, but the doctor said that this wasn't alarming yet due to Baby’s small size and my uterus tilt.

In that moment I think I already knew.
The week before I'd our abdominal scan showed a heartbeat clear as day. Our baby should be a week bigger. The heartbeat should have been easier to see. But we hoped. I cried. It was all we could do. We managed to hold off our panic and fears until our formal transvaginal ultrasound at 8.30am the following morning at the Early Pregnancy Unit at the hospital.

"I'm sorry, we cannot find your baby's heartbeat."
The words we couldn't bear to hear again, but had been said regardless. We had gone to the ultrasound early the following morning and had our worst fears confirmed. We had had our second missed miscarriage. Our precious, long-awaited Rainbow only measured at 7+5, when we should have been 8+5. The doctors couldn't tell us why, they couldn't even tell me if my bleeding was from the miscarriage or the hematoma. I got the standard "This happens in 1 out of 5 pregnancies" and "There is nothing you did wrong" to try and make this sound like it's all okay and “for the best”. But our world came shattering down for the second time in this pregnancy and the third time in our life.

We'd lost our baby. The baby who we actually got to see their little 152bmp heartbeat. The baby who I could see a little head and paddle arms and legs. The baby who was meant to be our Christmas miracle after the devastating Christmas we had in 2021. How do we even begin to accept this and continue our life?

(Video) Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness - Reflections of Grief: Parents Perspective after Perinatal Loss

As I left the hospital a few hours later, my heart continued to rip into more pieces as I found myself surrounded by pregnant women and newborn babies. I waited at the elevator whilst a newborn baby screamed and cried and I felt it echo through me like a hurricane. The sound reverberated around my body, screaming at me and it felt like it was taunting me for what I could not accomplish, what I had lost. I would have given the world to have what all those women had in the hospital. To have a baby bump. To feel my baby move inside me. To hold them in my arms for the first time. To see Luke become the amazing father I know he will be. But all I could do was bury my tears in Luke’s shoulder as I waited in line, listening to the baby cry in my unison.

I had a D&C operation the following day, feeling slightly grateful that I didn’t have to wait longer and risk passing my baby naturally. I am still tormented by my first miscarriage where I flushed our baby down the toilet. I couldn’t do that again. But this was my first time ever having a medical procedure. First time having an operation. First time being admitted to hospital. First time being under anesthetic.

I hated every minute of it. Most people having operations go in with a specific pain or illness and the procedure makes them feel better. Their life gets easier after their recovery. But this? No one prepares you for this. I'm going in with grief and my world shattered with Luke watching helplessly as he cannot share the physical pain, but who I know has a heart breaking just like mine. I know when I leave the hospital, I’m going to feel broken. Empty. Irrationally like a failure.

I had no preparation for the mental torture of having to take 2 misoprostol tablets the morning of the D&C. These tablets soften and open the cervix and contract the uterus. They're pills used to terminate pregnancy. As I put them under my tongue, I illogically felt like I was murdering my baby. I cried as I felt them dissolve and the tears continued as I felt the cramping get worse. I had already lost my baby, but this felt wrong.

At the hospital the staff were lovely, but I was in no mood for light hearted chat or small talk. Luke was permitted to stay with me during preparation and observation up until I was transferred to the anesthetist. After changing into my gown, leaving just my knickers on with a pad, I waited on the bed with my cramping continuing to get worse as the tablets kicked into second gear. I'd been told there were two D&Cs being done today, but I wasn't sure if I was first or second. I remember hoping that I was first so I could get it over and done with, but then feeling guilty for that thought as I knew I was wishing my baby gone.

(Video) MIH: Providing Efficacious Communication of Pregnancy Loss and Reproductive Grief Care**

But within 10 minutes of waiting on the bed, I was suddenly and unexpectedly wheeled away. I couldn't give Luke a kiss or even see him as I left to get a reassuring smile from him. He watched me get wheeled away, knowing that I would be devastated about not saying goodbye. I cried silently in my bed down the seemingly endless hallway, grateful for the mask hiding half my face.

I quickly wiped away my tears as I was introduced to countless hospital staff. A nurse joining me in theatre. The anesthetist. The gynecology doctor doing the procedure. Admin staff getting my signatures and confirming my details. I felt a stupid need to be brave and pretend all of this was okay. I signed consent forms and had a hair net put on, I even pretended to laugh at the anesthetists’ jokes. I wanted to go home. I wanted my husband. I really wanted my baby.

As they wheeled me into the theatre, I felt my heart drop as I saw the bed with giant foot stirrups at the end. My vision started getting blurry as I felt a small anxiety attack come over me. I took my underwear off and moved onto the bed in the middle of the room. At least 6 staff surrounded me, asking me questions I could barely focus on, let alone answer. I should have said something, but instead I waited, knowing my world was about to go black as they put me under. With an oxygen mask on my face, I don't remember going out. I don't remember them taking my baby.

As I woke up a couple of hours later, I felt nothing. Numbness and emptiness. I ate a sandwich, had a cup of tea and counted down the minutes until I could hug Luke and go home. After more observations and a very horrifying toilet trip of blood, I went home at 12pm. I went to bed and did not get up until the evening. I was no longer pregnant. My baby was officially gone.

It feels like I lost this baby twice over and after seeing a heartbeat and the little body in the final scan, it felt so much more like a real baby. So much more tangible. There was so much more hope.

(Video) Interview: The psychological impact of pregnancy loss, World Congress 2022

During our trying to conceive (TTC) journey we started seeing a Fertility Specialist. After countless tests that have all come back glowing, the only thing we've been told is we have "bad luck" and that I need to have 3 miscarriages before they'll start investigating further. That or we need to do IVF. This is all so frustrating; this shouldn't be so difficult. We are 27 and 29 years old and I don't want to be back in this boat again. My heart is completely broken, and I just don't know how much more it can take.

No amount of preparation could have saved me from the ache, hurt, and the feeling of being utterly broken when I lost my first baby and the second time is just as difficult, if not more. To say that I am in great pain is an understatement. I feel like this experience is eating me up alive.

I know Luke and I will endure. We have no choice. Our end goal is there, and we want it and deserve it. We didn’t know that it would be this tumultuous. We didn’t know how much this would hurt. I am so grateful we have each other, and I have to hope our Rainbow will come.

I decided to write about my miscarriage story while it is still fresh in my memory. This situation may have been the most painful experience that I have to go through but I don't want to erase it from my memory. I am far from recovery, that I am sure and I don't think I will ever recover from this, to be honest. Everything is still raw as I write this, the pain is still tangible.

RIP Angel Baby. Your mum and dad loved you every minute I carried you and will never forget you. Please find your older sibling, wherever you both may be.

(Video) Pregnancy and Parenting after a Perinatal Loss


What happens after second miscarriage? ›

The predicted risk of miscarriage in a future pregnancy remains about 20 percent after one miscarriage. After two consecutive miscarriages the risk of another miscarriage increases to about 28 percent, and after three or more consecutive miscarriages the risk of another miscarriage is about 43 percent.

How do you recover from a second miscarriage? ›

Even though the pregnancy will not continue, caring for the body is still essential for healthy miscarriage recovery. Hydration, good nutrition, light exercise, and sleep will help the body heal. Consider trying a new physical activity that brings you joy or allows for an emotional release, such as boxing.

What to expect after passing a miscarriage? ›

You'll have bleeding and cramping that are heavier than your normal period. The pregnancy tissue may look like large blood clots, or it may look white or gray. It does not look like a baby. The process can be painful, and ob-gyns may prescribe medication to help with this discomfort.

What are the statistics of second miscarriage? ›

The risk of having a second miscarriage is 20 in 100 (20 percent). After two miscarriages in a row, the risk of another miscarriage increases to about 28 in 100 (28 percent). And after three or more miscarriages in a row, the risk of having another miscarriage is about 43 in 100 (43 percent).

How long does it take to emotionally get over a miscarriage? ›

Sometimes the emotional impact is felt immediately after the miscarriage, whereas in other cases it can take several weeks. Many people affected by a miscarriage go through a bereavement period. It's common to feel tired, lose your appetite and have difficulty sleeping after a miscarriage.

Is there hope after 2 miscarriages? ›

While up to 50% of recurrent pregnancy losses do not have a clear cause and treatment, there is hope for women who have experienced multiple losses. In fact, there is still a 60-80% chance of conceiving and carrying a baby to full term, even after three losses.

How does a man feel after a miscarriage? ›

Biologically, men will not experience the full physical impact of a miscarriage like women who was carrying but men can suffer mentally and emotionally. Men may carry guilt as they are not able to understand the true pain and physical discomfort their partner may have experienced.

How does your body change after a miscarriage? ›

Your body will go through the same changes as you would with a full-term delivery. You may have mood swings, difficulty concentrating and sleeping, tire more easily than usual, and/or feel irritable. Your appetite and energy levels may change.

Can you have PTSD from miscarriage? ›

Pregnancy loss leads to post-traumatic stress in one in three women. Almost one in three women develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after early pregnancy loss, a new study shows. For some, signs of PTSD, anxiety and depression are still evident nine months later.

Why wait 3 months after miscarriage? ›

In the United States, the most common recommendation was to wait three months for the uterus to heal and cycles to get back to normal. The World Health Organization has recommended six months, again to let the body heal.

Should I stay home after a miscarriage? ›

To regulate the bleeding it is always advisable to stay at home,” says Dr Siddhartha. Dr Siddharta suggests that complete bed rest for one-and-a-half months in this case. She also recommends consumption of iron-rich food and multi vitamins for faster recovery.

Why am I so tired after miscarriage? ›

Women report symptoms of fatigue and exhaustion during and after a miscarriage. This is due to the hormonal changes that occur in pregnancy. Sometimes taking time off work or normal activities to recover physically and mentally is beneficial. It is advisable to rest for a couple of days following a miscarriage.

What causes 2 miscarriages in a row? ›

Mostly due to chromosomal problems or genetic issues with the embryo. Studies show that 50-80% of spontaneous losses are due to abnormal chromosomal numbers. As well as structural problems within the uterus. Late recurrent miscarriages may be the result of autoimmune problems, uterine abnormalities.

How many people have 2 miscarriages in a row? ›

Just 2 percent of pregnant women experience two pregnancy losses in a row, and only about 1 percent have three consecutive pregnancy losses. The risk of recurrence depends on many factors. After one miscarriage, the chance of a second miscarriage is about 14 to 21 percent.

Why does a second miscarriage happen? ›

The miscarriage may be due to poor blood supply to the pregnancy or inflammation. Some women may be born with an irregularly shaped uterus, and some women may develop abnormalities with their uterus over time. A woman's immune system may also play a role in recurrent pregnancy loss.

Why am I crying so much after miscarriage? ›

Your hormone levels are rapidly changing after a miscarriage, and mood swings and tears are normal. It may take a bit of time before your body feels normal again. The mind can affect the body and vice versa. Try to take care of your physical and emotional health as best you can.

What not to do after miscarriage? ›

No sex, tampons, or douching for 2 weeks.

We recommend waiting until after 2 normal periods to attempt pregnancy again.

Is two miscarriages a lot? ›

About 15 to 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Often, pregnancy loss is random, and does not mean there is any underlying genetic or reproductive issue. Approximately 2 percent of women experience two consecutive pregnancy losses, which could still be attributed to chance.

Why is it so easy to get pregnant after a miscarriage? ›

Waiting for a full two months—or for a complete and normal menstrual cycle, which generally takes about two months—ensures that the pregnancy hormone hCG has dipped to levels so low that it's undetectable. The uterine lining will also return to normal, making it receptive to receiving a future fertilized embryo.

Are you more fertile after miscarriage? ›

For example, one 2005 study1 by British researchers found that the "time to pregnancy" was longer after a miscarriage, meaning it took longer for people who had a miscarriage to conceive again. In contrast, a 2003 study2 found higher odds of conception in the cycle immediately following an early pregnancy loss.

Do men mourn miscarriages? ›

But the studies available indicate that men often report the same feelings as women after a pregnancy loss. Like my husband, many men experience sadness, grief, stress, anxiety, and depression after their partner miscarries.

What not to say to a woman who miscarried? ›

"At least you weren't further along."

It's true that the further along you are in your pregnancy, the more complications can happen during the loss—but this phrase tries to diminish the pain felt, perpetuating the idea that a baby lost in the first trimester doesn't necessitate any grief.

Do couples fight after a miscarriage? ›

Most couples go through the typical stages of grief and loss after a pregnancy loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They don't necessarily occur in any particular order, and you don't graduate from one and move on to the other.

Do you lose weight after miscarriage? ›

Cramping and contractions, as well as lower back pain, will likely accompany a miscarriage. One of the signs of miscarriage can be weight loss that is not the outcome of a dieting plan.

What does your body do during a miscarriage? ›

When a pregnancy is lost, the womb contracts to expel the pregnancy tissue. You'll probably have some cramps (like strong period pains) in your lower stomach on the day of your miscarriage and then milder cramps or aches for a day or so afterwards. Paracetamol should help with these cramps.

How do they clean the womb after miscarriage? ›

Dilation and curettage (D&C) is a procedure to remove tissue from inside your uterus. Health care providers perform dilation and curettage to diagnose and treat certain uterine conditions — such as heavy bleeding — or to clear the uterine lining after a miscarriage or abortion.

What mental disorders can a miscarriage cause? ›

Nearly 20% of women who experience a miscarriage become symptomatic for depression and/or anxiety; in a majority of those affected, symptoms persist for 1 to 3 years, impacting quality of life and subsequent pregnancies.

What kind of stress causes miscarriage? ›

While excessive stress isn't good for your overall health, there's no evidence that stress results in miscarriage. About 10% to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. But the actual number is likely higher because many miscarriages occur before the pregnancy is recognized.

How do I stop obsessing over a miscarriage? ›

Easing Your Miscarriage Fears

Try to remember that your fears are normal, but that this phase will pass. Take time to practice mindfulness, meditation, and take some time for yourself. This could include any stress-reducing activities you enjoy like yoga or going for a walk.

Why am I testing positive 3 weeks after miscarriage? ›

It takes time for your hormones to return to their pre-pregnancy levels after a miscarriage. The amount of the pregnancy hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) may still be high enough to trigger a positive result on a pregnancy test for several weeks after a miscarriage.

What tests do they do after 3 miscarriages? ›

Karyotyping. If you've had a third miscarriage, it's recommended that the foetus is tested for abnormalities in the chromosomes (blocks of DNA). If a genetic abnormality is found, you and your partner can also be tested for abnormalities with your chromosomes that could be causing the problem.

Is it bad to get pregnant 2 months after miscarriage? ›

There are several studies that support the idea of getting pregnant within 1 to 3 months after miscarriage. One 2017 study revealed that getting pregnant within 3 months of a miscarriage may have a better outcome — lower risk of a subsequent miscarriage — than waiting longer.

Should I go to work the day after a miscarriage? ›

Some employers think that you can only take two weeks of pregnancy-related sickness following a miscarriage. This is not the case. It is up to your GP or other health professionals to advise on time off work following a miscarriage and whether your sickness is related to your pregnancy or miscarriage.

Should I go to work while miscarrying? ›

There are basically no wrong choices here—however a woman emotionally responds to a miscarriage is right for her. "Some people may find solace going back to work—it may take [the miscarriage] off their minds for a while," says Moritz. "Everyone's different. It depends on the person."

What not to eat after miscarriage? ›

Foods to Avoid After Miscarriage
  • Avoid eating sugary products and junk food. Blood sugar levels rise when you eat a lot of sweets after a miscarriage. ...
  • Soy products are harmful foods to avoid after a miscarriage. ...
  • A big no to alcohol when your body is recovering from a miscarriage.
Feb 28, 2023

Why is it hard to sleep after a miscarriage? ›

Thoughts of your baby, of your sadness, of what might have been, all prevent you from falling asleep as you normally would. The problem gets worse when you start doing "sleep math," figuring out how many hours you'll get if you could only fall asleep now.

Why can't you take a bath after a miscarriage? ›

There is no reason to avoid having a bath or shower on the day following a miscarriage. It is advised to use warm water rather than very hot water. You can resume swimming as soon as you feel fit enough to do so although it is advisable to wait until any vaginal bleeding or discharge has stopped.

How does a mother feel after a miscarriage? ›

What are emotions I might feel after a miscarriage? Women may experience a roller coaster of emotions such as numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness, depression, and difficulty concentrating. Even if the pregnancy ended very early, the sense of bonding between a mother and her baby can be strong.

How successful are you after 2 miscarriages in a row? ›

Even after two miscarriages, there's a 65% chance your third pregnancy will end in live birth. However, if a cause is discovered, it may be easy to fix, and finding the cause at this point may prevent further losses and emotional stress.

Is it more common to have a miscarriage with your second pregnancy? ›

They found that in women whose previous pregnancy had ended in a live birth, the risk of miscarriage the next time around was only 5% (1 in 20). With all previous pregnancies ending in a live birth, the risk was even lower still at 4% (1 in 25). Obviously, the risk of miscarriage will never be zero.

What causes a second miscarriage? ›

The miscarriage may be due to poor blood supply to the pregnancy or inflammation. Some women may be born with an irregularly shaped uterus, and some women may develop abnormalities with their uterus over time. A woman's immune system may also play a role in recurrent pregnancy loss.

Why miscarriage happens again again? ›

About half of miscarriages occur randomly when an embryo receives an abnormal number of chromosomes during fertilization. This type of genetic problem happens by chance. There is no medical condition that causes it. But the chance of this problem increases with age.

What is the most common cause of recurrent miscarriages? ›

The most commonly identified causes include uterine problems, hormonal disorders and genetic abnormalities. Yale Medicine's Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Program is the only such dedicated program in the state.

Can stress cause a miscarriage? ›

While excessive stress isn't good for your overall health, there's no evidence that stress results in miscarriage. About 10% to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage.

How often do two miscarriages happen in a row? ›

Just 2 percent of pregnant women experience two pregnancy losses in a row, and only about 1 percent have three consecutive pregnancy losses. The risk of recurrence depends on many factors. After one miscarriage, the chance of a second miscarriage is about 14 to 21 percent.

Can weak sperm cause miscarriage? ›

Research indicates that poor sperm quality, particularly sperm with damaged DNA, is linked to miscarriage and recurrent miscarriage. If you've experienced multiple miscarriages, sperm DNA fragmentation testing may help you understand the cause.

What blood types cause miscarriages? ›

Rh factor: Miscarriage can be caused because of the incompatibility of the mother's blood and the blood of the unborn foetus commonly known as Rh factor incompatibility. This type of miscarriage occur when the blood type of mother is Rh negative, and the foetus blood type is Rh positive.

How to prevent miscarriage due to chromosomal abnormalities? ›

There is no treatment that will prevent embryos from having chromosome abnormalities. The older a woman gets, the higher the chances that an embryo will have an abnormal number of chromosomes. This is why women have a higher miscarriage rate as they get older.

Can recurrent miscarriage just be bad luck? ›

Recurrent Miscarriage

Having two or even three miscarriages in a row can just be particularly bad luck and the most likely outcome for these women is that they will go on to have a normal pregnancy next time. However, once a woman has had more than one miscarriage, we may go looking for an underlying cause.

What tests can be done for recurrent miscarriages? ›

Diagnosing Recurrent Miscarriage
  • Blood Tests. ...
  • Ultrasound. ...
  • Genetic Screening. ...
  • Hormone Tests. ...
  • Hysterogram. ...
  • Hysteroscopy. ...
  • Endometrial Biopsy.


1. Ep160 - A PCOS diagnosis, Stillbirth and Rainbow Baby after the Storm with Whitney Vaughn
(Sisters in Loss TV)
(Partnership for Maternal & Child Health of Northern New Jersey)
3. Episode 135: Child Loss: Why and how did they die?
(Open to Hope)
4. Abortion. (documentary)
(The LaBrant Fam)
5. Shattering the Stigma: Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss - Dr. Lisa Hanasono
(Institute for the Study of Culture and Society BGSU)
6. Preeclampsia and Infant Loss: Insight from a grieving mother
(Genesis Birthing and Living)


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